Are you really happy? Are you content with what you have? Look around you. Every second and every moment is full of beauty, love and awe. Do you feel and enjoy it or do you keep wanting for more? Is enough, never enough? Happiness is a perspective. You can have everything and feel happiness as a dot, and you can have nothing and feel happiness as the world.
I stood in the queue, filled my plate with lunch, and sat at my favourite spot in the lunch hall. My spot had the best view of the garden outside. The hall was in the first floor, so, from up here, I could see the entire layout of the garden. My friends were talking to me, laughing and living the moment. Not me. I felt a sense of loneliness even when I was amidst them. The food which I once cherished seemed stale and uninteresting to me. I moved my plate a little closer to me, and the gravy fell on my shirt. I jumped from my chair and stood up, with gravy all over me. My friends along with five hundred or six hundred other students had a nice laughter at my expense. The staff too laughed and made comments. I excused myself to wash my shirt. Laugh all you want, as I would be the one laughing last, I thought. I was down the corridor which led to the restroom. As I walked farther into the corridor, I could hear the laughter diminishing behind me. I turned back and saw no one behind me. I slipped away from the corridor and took the stairs. I ran up the stairs with all the energy I could exert. Those fools thought I was stupid enough to pour gravy on myself. But, had even one of them thought how could a perfectionist and intellectual like me do something crazy like this. They cant, and they wont. They like to believe that even the great ones fall once in a while. It gives them a sense of relief to think, that people whom they once thought as extraordinary were just normal people. Not even one could have thought, maybe I purposefully spilled the gravy. Even if they did think, they would be stumbled by the next question. Why? It seems a perfectly normal day; why should he do something different today? I had too, because today was special. And today, I intended to end it all. Climbed four floors up and reached the workshop. Took the big hammer. It was very strong and big hammer. It could easily crush anything. Just what I needed. I carried it in both my hands, and ran all the way back. Reached the first floor where the lunch room was, and hid the hammer behind the staircase. Went to the restroom and washed my shirt and walked back to the lunch room. Still few laughed. I could only smile back, at their ignorance. I continued with my lunch.
The institution was a great place to live in. I have stayed here for as long as I can remember. I spent 20 years here. Maybe I was born here, or I was brought in here; I don’t remember. They thought us everything. This institution was our world. We did not know anything beyond this place. It had everything you can ask for. It was a school that extended beyond just education. It taught us life. They would tell us what we should do in life. They also taught us what you should not do.
"Never think beyond the doors of this institution. Don’t give in to evil and temptation. Life has given each one enough. Be content with what you have. Appreciate what you have.", the head mistress addressed the student assembly when I was 8 years old.
Appreciate what you have? How can you know the worth of something unless you lose something? When you have everything, the thought that there might be something that you might not know or have, itself is enough to drive you insane. What are you missing? What is behind those doors? How can you not think about looking beyond those doors, especially when you are asked not to? Isn’t it man's spirit to dare? To break rules? What was behind those doors?
I had my lunch. I need the strength. I took out a paper from my pocket and scratched out hammer. Keys, shoes, money, knife, bag and clothes were the other items I had noted down. All this, and a 5 minute window for me to try my escape. I looked once more out of the window. The place where I had spent at least an hour every day of my life. Across the lawn, in the corner of the garden, was the huge hole in the wall. The hole that created a void in my life. The hole that sucked out all the happiness I had in this place.
From the window, was the most beautiful scenery ever possible. It was the most beautiful garden anyone can imagine even in their dreams. Lush green grass, which was so uniformly trimmed, covered the entire garden like a blanket. There didn’t seem to be any imperfection anywhere. Neatly trimmed trees and artistically crafted bushes seemed liked God’s work, rather than the work of manual labour. It was so perfect. Right in the middle of the garden was a lovely pond which had a beautiful fountain which gave out sparkling water. I have never seen the fountain not function even for a day. But really added life to the garden, were the dozen or more statues spread across the garden each portraying a certain activity. There was a statue of a man near a tree which posed as if it was trying to catch apples, two statues of beautiful girls sitting beside the pond with their hands in the pond, a boy on a bicycle, an old man walking. The statues were crafted to the finest detail, but, I couldn’t observe much from my distance. The statues, each symbolized an activity that could not be done inside the institution. I wanted to go and touch the statues; and see the details that were present. But, nothing in the whole garden, appealed to me as much as the hole in the wall. It was about my height. I have been seeing it from the time I can remember. It was sometimes just plain dark, but sometimes, there would be a small light behind it. I was always curious to find out what was behind that. But, later, the curiosity became an obsession. To me, it wasn’t just a hole in the wall. It never felt to me that way. It was the door to the outside world. The world, that the institution is warned and scared us about.
I was 12 when I first spoke to my friend about the garden and the hole in the wall, his reaction was just like others "Are you crazy?”, he would ask.”
We arent supposed to think of that”, he would say.
“Why not? Why shouldn’t we?”.
“Because, we have everything we need here. You have education, food, shelter, friends, teachers, a good job, love, affection, everything. What more could you possibly want?” Possibly want? I could never tell, because i didn’t know what was on the other side. Only if I knew, I could answer him. But I kept telling him, “There is something there. I don’t know what, but there is something there”
“What if there isnt anything?”, he asked
“But, what if there is? What if that was greater than what you have now?”
“And what if it isnt, and it is just as evil and miserable as our professors tell.”, he would snap back.
“It is a risk I got to take.”
“Why do you want to do this? You have everything? What do you feel is missing in your life?”
I didn’t have an answer then. But, I think I found the answer over the years. Freedom. The thought that we might not be chained to this institution. The thought that we might be able to fly if we are out of this cage.
Yes. Freedom, was what I wanted. Who doesn’t? The spirit of adventure, the feel of freedom can soak one's heart with happyness like never before. To be free is not a wish, but a birth right that we have to take by force if we don’t get it. Being free, like happiness was a perspective. There is no measurement or true answers for freedom. Here, there were thousands, who felt, they had the freedom to do what they wanted, unlike me, who felt something was taken away from me. I felt caged.
After lunch, all headed to the dormitories. Once there, I picked up all my stuff that I had written down. I took my best shoes and put it in my bag. I just had my socks on. I put the knife in my pocket, and all other items into my bag. I was taking a risk, so I had to be prepared to survive on the outside. I looked at my watch, it was close to 3 pm. I waited for the prayer session to start. I could feel my heart beat rise. If I was going to do it, I had to do it right. Either I might create a legend by getting out of here or I would be termed as the most notorious. I can’t blame the institution. No one can. It did everything to help us all. But, some birds are not meant to be caged.
The institution was an enormous building which spread over acres and acres. There were a lot of open spaces present, with nice gardens too. Huge walls covered the entire campus, such that it was impossible to see what was there outside. And all that the teachers ever told us were references to evil and devils outside the institution. All gardens were accessible to us, except the garden that i adored at the back of the institution. It had a door leading to it, though i havent seen anyone open it all these years. No one has seen anyone maintain that garden or water the plants, but it was more lush green than any of the gardens that we had access to. If no one was allowed into the garden, how was it better than the other gardens.
The prayer started. The loudspeakers blared; everyone bowed down in silence. This was my cue. I ran out in socks, so as to not make any noise. I ran down the corridors as fast as I could. I took the routes from our dormitory to the hallway, such that I would encounter very less people on my way. I had planned this so meticulously. Prayer time was the only time when the entire population of the institution would stop everything they were doing to pray. I ran to the main office and picked up the keys to the corridor leading to the hallway in the ground floor where the door to the garden was present. On the way, i picked up the hammer that i had got near the stairs. I felt like a rebel; someone against religion; as I ran with the hammer in my hands. The prayers and god verses which were being chanted, made me feel as if it was all meant to be this way.
The institution made sure everyone grew with the fear of God. The path to righteousness was to believe in God and do good. They believed that over years, the devil started taking a more realistic form and started messing with people's mind, instead of causing problems like war and hatred amongst men. The implications and punishments were more direct. Death alone was not always the punishment. There were some punishments worse than death; like depression, loneliness, reparation. Each generation saw more people fall prey to these punishments than the previous problems like war, man-made disasters, power struggle. The Devil has found that these punishments were more painful than them; the institution taught us. They kept stressing on the fact that the temptation to leave this place was the thought instilled in everyone's mind by the devil himself and it was entirely up to each individual to fight and resist that temptation. Though others were satisfied with these ideas; It didn’t seem convincing enough to me. I felt there was some lie in their words. If no one had access to the garden, then how can it be greener and lusher than any other gardens. If this garden was not supposed to be trespassed, why does it have a door? It could simply be sealed. We are not allowed outside our dormitory for more than half of the day. What was going on during that time in the garden? The more they gave answers as evil and temptation, the more I wanted to get on the outside more crazily. They reasoned that that the garden itself was maintained by the workers of the Devil, and was there just to tempt people of a live beyond what was available.
When I attempted to escape, six months ago, I tried to open the door without realizing it was locked, I started banging on it, when the staff pulled me away from the door.
“You are making a mistake. Don’t give in to temptation”, they said
“If there is nothing out there to see, why don’t you take me outside to the garden, take me till that wall, show me what is outside that hole, and bring me back.”
“Because, god does not want you to. God wants you to be content with what you have. Can you point out one thing here that you dont have to give you happyness? Health, wealth, education?”
“I want to know what is there beyond that wall”
“There is nothing. The world stops here. Don’t you understand? The Devil is playing tricks with you. You are not the first to try escaping. They have met their fate. We are not supposed to tell more about it, because it should come within you to control your temptations.”
“It is my dream to get out”
“Temptation is different from a dream. This is exactly what the Devil wants. For you to sit and reason the good things in life. Sit and think. Don’t do this”
Temptation isnt a bad thing. Maybe it is, but for me, it was a name given to hide the truth. I was desperate to know what was behind that hole in the wall. True, that if I had known what was behind that hole, and then wanted to escape, it might have made sense, but not knowing what was there on the outside, and still wanting to escape spoke of my urge to explore. Maybe it was temptation, maybe it is my weakness. But, arent these thoughts what defines us?
I ran as fast as I can, in a few seconds the prayer would be over. But, I have covered most of the distance of my journey by now. I opened the doors to the corridor with the keys I had. As soon as I opened the door, the prayer got over, and there was pin drop silence as I opened the door into the corridor. I locked the door behind me. I put on my shoes. No reason in being quiet anymore. There was one more door, the one to the garden. I could see the garden through the glass blocks on the door. So close to my goal. It had a huge lock on it. I was quite sure that none of the keys would open the door. And I was right; none opened the door. Some of the staff saw me, and raised the alarm. They started banging on that door behind me. I had to either give up, or break free. I took a fraction of second to see what my heart wanted, and i started slamming on the lock of the door with the hammer. The shouting and warning of the staff was silenced by my hammering. I kept banging with all my force, till the lock broke. I opened the door, and saw the most beautiful garden i had ever seen. It looked even more beautiful without the glass panes in between. The staff had broken down the other door, and they were barging in screaming as the y ran in. From here, i could see the full stretch of the garden, and the hole in the wall. The hole to a whole new world.
The institution was a great place to live in. I have stayed here for as long as I can remember. I spent 20 years here. Maybe I was born here, or I was brought in here; I don’t remember. They thought us everything. This institution was our world. We did not know anything beyond this place. It had everything you can ask for. It was a school that extended beyond just education. It taught us life. They would tell us what we should do in life. They also taught us what you should not do. If you want the perfect life, you would be content with this. But, who said, i wanted the perfect life?
I took my first step on the garden and ran. The air was so fresh and pure, none like I had felt on the inside of the institution. I could hear the footsteps of the staff running on the corridor. If I was caught, I would be punished. Rather, I would be treated like a convict for as long as i lived here. I took to my foot, and ran as fast as possible. I ran on the grass and took a turn to the right to avoid the fountain. I have been watching this garden for a good 15 years that I know its layout at the back of my head. I dodged all the statues as i ran. I was a few feet away from the hole, and there seemed to be an even more beautiful scenery on the outside of that wall, which was not visible from my view from the first floor, all these years. I was almost there. I turned back to see if anyone was following me. They had stopped at the door. I must have been too swift for them to follow me. I continued. I ran faster, trying to get a glimpse of the scenery through the hole, as i ran. Bushes were obstructing my view. I took bigger steps. Suddenly, I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t feel my legs. I thought I tripped on something and was about to fall. But, I wasn’t. I could see my right hand and left leg in front of me at that time, and it looked in a different colour. It was the colour of a stone. I had frozen in the position I was. I had turned into a statue. I was just few feet away from the wall, and I was a statue now. I couldn’t feel anything. I was fully made of stone. I could see, hear and smell; but couldn’t move. There was the wall, with the hole in it, just few feet from me. And i was not able to do anything about it. I took a while to think what happened. I felt a cloud of sadness hovering over me, when i realized that all the statues present in the garden were that of people who gave into their temptations. The girls at the pond, the man near the tree, the boy in the cycle, the old man walking, and the dozen other people. Tears rolled down from my eyes, wetting the stone, which I couldn’t feel.
"Never think beyond the doors of this institution. Don’t give in to evil and temptation. Life has given each one enough. Be content with what you have. Appreciate what you have." , the thoughts resonated in my mind.
Are you really happy? Are you content with what you have? Look around you. Every second and every moment is full of beauty, love and awe. Do you feel and enjoy it or do you keep wanting for more? Is enough, never enough? Happiness is a perspective. You can have everything and feel happiness as a dot, and you can have nothing and feel happiness as the world.
Think again. Are you really happy?
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